Fish Riddles and Jokes

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Here are some riddles and jokes  that you can use with the activity at Activity Director Today

Fish week is this week

What do you call a fish with no eyes?…Fsh
How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale
Why are fish so smart?…They are always in schools
Which fish go to heaven when they die?…Angelfish
What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits
What TV game show do fish like best?…Name that tuna
Where do fish wash?…In a river basin

What part of a fish weighs the most?…It’s scales    
Why is a fish easy to weigh?…Because it has its own scales
What’s the difference between a newspaper and a TV set?…You can’t wrap your fish and chips in a TV set
Why are fish cleverer than humans?…Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?…He called the piano tuna
What day of the week do fish hate?…Frydays
Why are gold fish orange?…The water makes them rusty
What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?…Tsardines  What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?…A beer-a-cuda
Why do penguins eat fish?…Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.
Where do some of the parts for a fish come from?…Finland
Why did the dog jump into the sea?…He wanted to chase the catfish
Which fish dresses the best?…The Swordfish – It always looks sharp
What kind of fish will help you hear better?…A herring aid
What do romantic fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?…The Codfather
Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long?…If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot
Which fish can perform operations?…A Sturgeon
What’s a sea serpent’s favourite meal?…Fish and ships
Why are fish so gullible?…They fall for things hook, line and sinker  

1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?…Drop it a line
What puts white lines on the ocean?…Ocean liners
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?…A seahorse
Where are most fish found?…Between the head and the tail
What do fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
What fish sounds like a telephone?…Herring, herring…herring, herring…
How do you tune a fish?…With its scales
What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?…A flat fish
What fish is the most valuable?…A goldfish.
What’s the best way to catch a fish?…Have someone throw it at you.
What sea animal can be adjusted to play music?…The tune-a fish
How did the fish’s tail get stuck in the anchor chain?…It was just a fluke
What is purple and lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?…Moby Plum
Why are manatees so wrinkled?…Did you ever tried to iron one?
Why are fish no good at tennis?…They don’t like to get too close to the net
Why did the optician go ice fishing?…He had perfect ice sight
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant…Four fish got battered
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?…A nervous wreck
What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?…Ray
What side of a fish has the most scales?…The outside
How do you post a fish?…You send it COD … or first bass mail
What do you use to cut the ocean?…A seasaw
Where do you go to meet the best fish?…It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?…A Perch
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?…eFISHancy
What is a knight’s favourite fish?…A swordfish
What fish is best to have in a boat?…A Sailfish
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?…Skates
How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision?…Flipper coin
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?…Because he ate too many crabs
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show?…Whale of fortune
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?…He prawned everything
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?…Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!
What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?…Glass flippers
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way?…He whale-d
How do the fish get to school?…By octobus
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?…Squidnappers
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?…I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand
How does an octopus go to war?…Well-armed
Who robs banks and squirts ink?…Billy the Squid
What fish make the best sandwich?…A peanut butter and jellyfish
What happened to the cold jellyfish?…It set
How can you tell if two octuspus’ are lovers?…They walk arm in arm in arm in arm…
What do you call a neurotic octopus?…A crazy, mixed-up squid
How do you stop a fish from smelling?…Cut its nose off
What is the fastest fish in the sea?…Go-carp
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?…Show me your mussels
How do you kiss a pike?…Very carefully
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?…A pike going on holiday
Why did the salmon cross the road?…Because it was tied to the chicken
Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?…Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don’t do trades
How do I avoid infection from biting insects?…That’s easy – don’t bite them
Where do you find a crab with no legs?…Exactly where you left it
What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?…A four ton know it all
Why did the fish blush?…Because it saw the sea weed
What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?…Sleep somewhere else
What do you call a Shark with a rocket launcher?…Anything he tells you to
What do you call a deaf pike…Anything you like, he cannot hear you
How do you stick down an envelope under the water?…With a seal
What can fly under the water?…A bluebottle in a submarine
What do you give a seasick whale?…Lots of room
Mother: Have you given the fish fresh water today?…Son: No, they haven’t drank yesterdays
What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?…A motor-Pike and a side-Carp
Where do fish keep their money?…In the river bank
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?…Fish
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “You drive, I’ll man the guns!”
What is the fastest fish in the sea?…The one that got away
Why did the plaice go to the doctor?…Because he was feeling a bit flat!
What do you call someone who is good at catching fish?…Annette
Why did the fish cross the road?…It was the chicken’s day off
What is an eel’s favorite dance?…The conger
Why couldn’t the clownfish afford a house?…Because he didn’t have anemone
Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark
Where do fish put their rubbish?…In a Whaleie bin
Where do baby fish go every morning?…To plaiceschool
What does a fish wrap round its shoulders to keep warm?…A shoal
What happens to sleepy fish at the edge of a reef?…They drop off
Which sea creatures come calling at Christmas?…Coral singers
Which fish can perform operations?…A sturgeon
What games do fish like playing the most?…Bass the parcel, Name that tuna, and Tide and seek
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
What do you call a fish with two eyes?…FIISH
Why is a fishmonger never generous?…Because his business makes him sell-fish
John asks the angler: Is this river any good for fish?…Angler: It must be. I cannot get any of them to leave it
What is a mermaid?…A deep-she fish
What do you get if you cross a whale with rotten fish?…Moby Sick
What does a diver get paid if he works extra hours?…Undertime
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?…To the prawn broker
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?…He prawned everything
Why did the whale cross the road?…To get to the other tide
Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?…Billy the Squid
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?…A blue whale
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
Why are gold fish orange?…The water makes them rusty
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?…’Your plaice or mine’
Where do you weigh whales?…At a whale weigh station
What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike?…I don’t know but I wouldn’t put my nose too close to smell it
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?…A pike going on holiday
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?…Because they dropped out of school
Oh cod, I can’t take any more of these fish puns, I’m outta this plaice!
Why are Sardines the stupidest fish ever?…They climb into tins – Close the Lid – And then leave the Key on the OUTSIDE!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?…In tentacles
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Its a bit wet in here”, the other says, “Blimey, a talking fish!”
Why do fish like arcade games?…Because they are finball wizards
Which fish likes to see fast and cool cars?…The tunafish
Why was the bluefish blue?…Because the blowfish wouldn’t
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?…Monkfish
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?…He got lockjaw
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?…They go sharkers
Why didn’t the lobster share his toys?…He was too shellfish
Two fish swimming down a river and one hits a cement block. He turns around and says “Oh..Damn!”
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?…It gets wet
What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea?…It sinks to the bottom
What happens when you cross a great white shark with a cow?…I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it
What’s green and squishy and spends a lot of time underwater?…An avocado with an aqua lung
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?…Nothing,it just waved
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?…A good start
What does stuck seaweed say?…”Kelp!, Kelp!”
What do fish use to make telephone calls?…a Shell phone
What do you find on a small beach?…Micro waves
Is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach?…Yes. It’s better to swim in water